i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
