Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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