I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
