i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
