The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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