Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
