If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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