cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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