I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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