If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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