Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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