just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
