i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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