i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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