hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
