2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
