I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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