why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your cock deserves a montage
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
