o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
