Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
