Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
