I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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