I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
