i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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