I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
