About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
