I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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