I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
