My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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