You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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