i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
