It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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