please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
