the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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