YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
