I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
