the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
