were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding