What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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