just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
