I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
