god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
