He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
