so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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