so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize