Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
