I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
