Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
