Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
