Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
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Houston, we have a squirter
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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