u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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