I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
