You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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