I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
