Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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