We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
